How to Help Your Child Build Confidence After a Diagnosis: Practical Strategies for Parents
As a parent, it can be overwhelming to watch your child struggle, whether they’re facing academic challenges, social difficulties, or emotional hurdles. If your child has been diagnosed with ADHD, autism, anxiety, panic disorder, depression, PTSD, OCD, or learning differences, it’s natural to feel a range of emotions. It’s important to remember that these struggles are not a reflection of your child’s worth. They are simply signs that your child’s brain works in a unique way. And that uniqueness doesn’t mean something is wrong with them—it simply means they need a different kind of support.
In my work with families navigating these challenges, I’ve witnessed the impact of early experiences—especially in school, social environments, and even at home. Many children with these conditions find themselves in situations that aren't tailored to their way of processing the world. As a result, they can be misunderstood, labeled, or stigmatized, leading to feelings of shame and the belief that there’s something inherently wrong with them.
But here’s the truth: no diagnosis—whether it’s ADHD, autism, anxiety, depression, or learning disabilities—defines who your child is. These challenges do not diminish their value or potential. With the right support and understanding, these struggles can be reframed, and your child can be empowered to embrace their unique strengths.
How Shame Develops & Why It’s Important to Recognize
Shame isn’t something children are born with; it’s something they learn through their interactions with the world. For children with ADHD, autism, anxiety, OCD, depression, or learning differences, shame can develop when they are placed in environments that don’t cater to their individual needs. Take school, for example: the typical classroom structure may not provide the time, space, or sensory accommodations that some children need. For others, social expectations can become overwhelming, leaving them to feel disconnected or misunderstood.
These experiences often lead to children internalizing negative messages, such as, "I’m not good enough," "I can’t do anything right," or "I’ll never be successful." These thoughts are painful for parents to witness, and for children, they can become a powerful barrier to self-acceptance and confidence.
When a child is repeatedly told, directly or indirectly, that they are "lazy," "disruptive," "stupid," or "careless," they begin to internalize those labels. Over time, these messages erode their self-esteem and reinforce the idea that they are somehow broken. These children may feel that their differences make them less than others—that they don’t belong or will never be successful. And yet, these beliefs can be unlearned.
Identifying the Signs of Shame in Children
Sometimes, the signs of shame are subtle, but as a parent, you may notice your child exhibiting behaviors that point to a deeper struggle with self-worth. These behaviors may include:
Avoiding Challenges: Your child might say, “I won’t try because I know I’ll fail,” or they might avoid difficult tasks altogether.
Perfectionism: They might believe that making any mistake means they are a failure. For example, “If I mess up, it means I’m not good enough.”
Negative Self-Talk: Children may constantly put themselves down, saying things like, “I’m stupid,” “I’ll never be good at this,” or “I can’t do anything right.”
Emotional Outbursts or Shutdowns: Your child may become overwhelmed by even small tasks, leading to meltdowns or a complete shutdown.
Masking: Your child might hide their struggles or overcompensate by working extra hard to appear “normal,” even if it’s exhausting.
If you recognize these signs, it’s crucial to understand that these behaviors aren’t a sign of laziness—they are often a response to shame. With the right support, these patterns can be changed.
Breaking the Cycle of Shame & Rebuilding Confidence in Kids
The first step in breaking the cycle of shame is to understand its root causes. Children are not inherently lazy, difficult, or incapable. Their struggles are often the result of a world that doesn’t always cater to the way their brains work. Whether it’s difficulty focusing, heightened anxiety, emotional regulation challenges, or unique ways of learning, these are not flaws—they are simply differences.
When parents receive a diagnosis for their child, it can be a bittersweet moment. You may feel fear, sadness, or even guilt. But one of the most important things to remember is that the way you process and talk about this diagnosis can significantly influence how your child views themselves. By approaching the diagnosis with empathy, understanding, and compassion, you can help your child begin to understand that their struggles do not define their worth.
What to Say When Talking to Your Child About Their Diagnosis
One of the most challenging moments as a parent can be when you first receive a diagnosis for your child. It’s natural to feel a mix of emotions—maybe fear, guilt, or even relief. But one of the most important things to remember is that how you talk about this diagnosis can have a huge impact on how your child relates to their diagnoss and sees themselves long-term
Before you have the conversation, take a moment to check in with your own feelings. Children are incredibly intuitive and pick up on their parents' emotions. If you’re feeling worried or uncertain, that might transfer to your child, so processing your own emotions beforehand is key.
When you do have the conversation, it’s crucial to speak in a way that emphasizes understanding, not shame. Here’s how you might approach this conversation for different age groups:
For young children (ages 4-7): “You have a superpower brain! It’s so strong and full of energy, and sometimes it needs a little extra help to focus, like how we wear glasses to help our eyes see better.”
For middle childhood (ages 8-12): “Your brain is really good at thinking in different ways, which makes you unique! Sometimes, your brain needs more time or a break, and that’s okay. We’re going to work together to find what helps you feel your best.”
For teens (ages 13-18): “Your brain is wired differently, and that’s not a bad thing. It means you think about the world in a special way, and we can find tools and strategies to help you navigate challenges. Everyone’s brain is different, and that’s what makes people like you unique.”
It’s important to remind them that their brain doesn’t make them “broken”—it makes them different in a way that can be celebrated. The world needs all kinds of thinkers, and your child’s unique brain can be a source of strength and creativity.
How to Nurture Your Child’s Confidence and Self-Worth
Once you’ve had the conversation and your child understands their diagnosis, the next step is to help them start building confidence. This isn’t just about telling them they’re smart or capable—it’s about truly validating their experience, guiding them to be kind to themselves, and highlighting the unique strengths that make them who they are. Here are some strategies that can make a real difference:
Validate Their Experience – Instead of brushing off their struggles with phrases like, “You’ll be fine,” or “It’s not that bad,” acknowledge their feelings with empathy. Try saying things like, “I see how hard you’re trying, and I know this is frustrating,” or “Wow, that sounds really tough, and I understand why you feel this way.” You could also say, “The world isn’t always built for people like you, and that can make things harder. But we’re in this together, and we’ll figure out what works.”
Reframe the Diagnosis as Differences – Help your child understand that their brain works differently, not worse. For example: “Your brain is wired for creativity, which is why you come up with such cool ideas. But sometimes, that can make things like staying organized or managing time a little trickier. We’ll find tools that fit the way you think.”
Model Self-Compassion – Children learn a great deal by watching how we treat ourselves. When you make a mistake, model self-compassion by saying things like, “I made a mistake, but mistakes help me learn. I’ll do better next time,” or “It’s okay to not be perfect. What matters is that I’m trying and learning as I go.” This shows them that imperfection doesn’t define their worth.
Focus on Strengths – Remind your child of the incredible strengths they have. Whether it’s creativity, empathy, resilience, or a unique way of problem-solving, acknowledge their qualities: “I love how creative you are—you always come up with such original ideas,” or “Your kindness and care for others is such a beautiful gift that not many people have.” These affirmations help them build a positive self-image.
Celebrate Effort, Not Just Results – Praise the effort your child puts in, even if the outcome isn’t perfect. “I saw how hard you worked on that, and I’m so proud of your determination,” or “It’s okay that the test didn’t go as planned; what matters is that you gave it your all and studied. That’s real growth.” By focusing on their effort, you teach them that trying hard is more important than simply being perfect.
The Long-Term Impact of Reducing Shame
When children grow up without the weight of shame, they develop greater resilience, self-advocacy, and a sense of their own worth. They learn to face challenges with confidence, embrace their unique strengths, and grow into self-assured young adults who are ready to navigate the world on their own terms.
I’ve seen firsthand how children who once believed they were “broken” because of their diagnosis have thrived with the right support. Whether they were labeled as “lazy” or “disruptive,” with the proper guidance, they’ve learned to advocate for themselves and embrace their differences. These children grow into young people who are proud of who they are, not ashamed of what they face.
Need Support? We’re Here to Help
If you’re wondering how to best support your child’s unique learning style, an evaluation can provide the clarity and tools you need. We offer ADHD, ASD, and learning assessments in Oregon and Washington, serving the Greater Vancouver and Portland areas.
View consultation today and take the first step toward helping your child build confidence, not shame.